I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize
