i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
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