That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
