grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
Randomize
