I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
Randomize
