My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Randomize
