I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
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