my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
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