dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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