How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
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