Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
Randomize
