nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
Randomize
