If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
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