you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
Randomize
