Kiss
Puke
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
