Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
Even the bartender felt bad for me
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
Randomize
