nut hugger
So I had sex with him again. He's still got it. Not chlamydia, he got rid of that.
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
Randomize
