I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
I think we can all look back on last night and categorize it under, " reason why Cory can't be left at the bar by himself"
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
Randomize
