i think my tv is drunk
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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