Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
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