my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
how do you feel about lunch break shots ?
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
Randomize
