I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
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