You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
Randomize
