i think my tv is drunk
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
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