So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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