I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
so exactly what is concert sex etiquette? Before, during or after???
all of the above
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
Those nachos came to me in a dream
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
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