Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
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