there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
so basically i'm the" little sister", he's the "big brother" and we just fucked
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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