Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
Randomize
