I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
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