Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
