dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
It's an Italian thing I guess, grew up on that shit.
I'm Irish, we don't eat cow guts unless they're blended into a fine whiskey
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
ok please explain why some one shaved half of my pubes?
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
Randomize
