Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
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