Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
Randomize
