I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize