I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
You get 5 min
Your time limits don't scare me, I'll include foreplay and redressing in that 5 min. If you wanted to challenge me you should say you got an hour, id be scared then and more creative.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
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