he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
Of course I have a pirate flag
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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