OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
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