2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
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