I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
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