Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
As long as they suck a good dick I don't care what fruit they have and where they have it
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
Randomize
