thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
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