You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Randomize
