OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
