My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
