i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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