6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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