I am midnight drunk by noon
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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