Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
Randomize
