We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
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