i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Randomize
