all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
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