On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
Randomize
