I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Randomize
