Deadliest Catch is NOT foreplay
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
