The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
Soooo my gf got the droid and doesn't have BBM anymore, I think its over for her
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
Randomize
