turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
Randomize
