based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
She made me pour olive oil on her.
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
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