wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
I know her cup size but not her name....
Randomize
