roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
