i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Randomize
