Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
Randomize
